We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and
drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture
of an upside down cow on
fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I
could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm
so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those
piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were
like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam
in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with
my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the
go command from its
owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had
created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where
the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close..
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and
THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy
feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
