>
> As
> a joke, my
> brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over
> his fireplace before
> Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
> fill
> them.
>
>
>
> What
> they say
> about Santa checking the list twice must be true
> because every
> Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
> stockings overflowed, his poor
> pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
>
>
> One
> year I
> decided to make his dream come true. I put
> on sunglasses and went in
> search of an inflatable love doll. They don't
> sell those things
> at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
> bookstore downtown.
>
> If
> you've never been in an X-rated store, don't
> go. You'll only confuse
> yourself. I was there an hour saying things
> like, 'What does this do?'
> 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy
> that?' Finally, I made it to the
> inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard,
> uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
> passenger in my
> truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
> hour.
>
>
>
> Finding
> what I
> wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come
> in
>
> many
> different
> models. The top of the line, according to the side of
> the box, could do
> things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
> I settled for 'Lovable
> Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price
> scale.
>
>
> To
> call Louise
> a 'doll' took a huge leap of
> imagination.
> On
> Christmas
> Eve, and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
> Louise came to
> life.
>
> My
>
> sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me
> in during the wee morning
> hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
> dangling pantyhose
> with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also
> ate some cookies and drank
> what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
> tray. I went home, and
> giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The
> next
> morning my brother called to say that Santa had
> been to his house and
> left a present that had made him VERY happy, but
> had left the dog
> confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
> come back and bark
> some more.
>
>
> We
> all agreed
> that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the
> rest of the family
> could admire her when they came over for
> the traditional Christmas
> dinner.
>
> My
> grandmother
> noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
> 'What the hell is
> that?' she asked.
>
>
>
> My
> brother
> quickly explained, 'It's a
> doll.'
>
> 'Who
>
> would play with something like that?' Granny
> snapped.
>
> I
> kept my
> mouth shut.
>
> 'Where
> are her
> clothes?' Granny continued.
>
> 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice,
> Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining
> room.
>
> But Granny
> was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
> any teeth?'
>
>
>
> Again,
> I could
> have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas
> and no one wanted to
> ride in the back of the ambulance
> saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang
> on!'
>
> My
>
> grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
> eyesight, sidled up to me
> and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by
> the fireplace?' I told him she
> was Jay's friend.
>
> A
> few
> minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
> talking to Louise. Not
> just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
> that we realized this
> might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
> home.
>
> The
> dinner
> went well. We made
>
> the
> usual
> small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who
> should be killed, when
> suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the
> bathroom in the
> morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around
> the room twice,
> and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat
> screamed. I
> passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
> Grandpa ran across the
> room, fell to his knees, and began administering
> mouth-to-mouth
> resuscitation.
>
> My brother fell back over his chair and wet
> his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
> room, and sat in the car.
> It
> was indeed
> a Christmas to treasure
> and remember.
>
> Later
> in my
> brother's garage, we conducted a
> thorough examination to decide the
> cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered
> that Louise had suffered from
> a hot ember to the back of her right
> thigh.
>
>
>
> Fortunately,
>
> thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
> restored her to perfect
> health.
>
> I
> can't wait
> until next Christmas.
