Author Topic: i found my child after 15 years (Read 4628 times)

burnt orange · « **Reply #30 on:** February 12, 2011 - 08:08:13 PM »

Quote from: 67vertman on February 12, 2011 - 06:46:11 PM

Ok, now on to my thoughts and advise on your situation. If you plan to pursue a relationship with your daughter, do so with her best intention in mind. Do not start this relationship unless you plan on carrying it through to its conclusion regardless of the outcome. Talk to her and truly listen to what she is saying. Be patient and move at apace she fills comfortable with. Do not talk bad about her mother to her. Stay in touch with her regularly, unless she tells you to stop. Ask her if it okay for you to attend school functions, sporting events, or whatever else she is in to, don�t show up unannounced. Do not pressure her to make decision, choices, or sides. And most importantly, love her unconditionally.
She is a young adult going through enough struggles right now just to become an adult. Even if she does not want a relationship now, 5, 10 15, years from now she may change her mind and if you do something to damage your relationship with her today, it may continue to cause problem in the future.
I wish you the best of luck, as you pursue this.

This is the best advice. I have been in a situation where my ex took my kids out of the province and spent the next 10 years trying to turn the kids against me, denying any access, defying court orders and generally doing her best to make the kids forget about me. It got to the point where the only option I had was to have her thrown in jail......I wouldn't ever do that to the mother of my kids though. Throughout the whole thing I never badmouthed her to our kids or tried to discredit her.

The results were interesting, when they turned 18 or 19 they got as far away from her as they could as fast as they could, and made contact with me. I now have a great relationship with them and they both look at their mother as the controlling B she is. I won the war, but the battles were really hard to lose at the time.

67vert has good thoughts on this topic. All I can really say is take the high road, show your kid what a good caring person you are, and let time solve the problem. Fighting a kids mom is not the best way to win her respect and affection. Let her see your love and kindness and when she is mature enough she will gravitate to you.

Good luck

hpe600rt · « **Reply #31 on:** February 13, 2011 - 09:36:18 AM »

you know the mother did me wrong and broke the law but the past is the past im willing to let it go for the best of the child as she is my main concern on wesday im going to talk to 2 lawers just to compare and see what can be done how long it will take and what will she be able to do about it as i do have 2 other kids i have to look out for them also.i am so lucky to have a wife that tells me to go for it and a understanding famliey that knows this also

Challenger6pak · « **Reply #32 on:** February 13, 2011 - 09:58:36 AM »

You ask for advice and don't seem to listen. Many have had the same opinion on this board on many points. One of the points is that your Daughter's well being is the first place to start. The lawyer is not the first place to start. When you post, you often talk about what the Mother did to you. I am not trying to start a fight, or accuse you, or offend you. I am pointing this out and asking you to please, take a step back, reassess the situation, and move forward with a clear head. I wish you, and both of the families involved here, the best.

hpe600rt · « **Reply #33 on:** February 13, 2011 - 11:36:02 AM »

well you need to undersand this the kid was taken i did not walk away from the child.so what you are telling me is to let her be raised by someone who has done nothing but lie to her all her life ,movie her around from one dump to anther,make her think she is some one she isnt,and let her birth recard be a lie also forever.as i have thought about this long and hard the child will have a hard time with this what ever age she is.at least in the court her mother can not tell any moure lies to her.dont think for a second i want this in court eather because i do not.the mother had no care for the child when she just took off with her to florida 15 years ago and never told her the truth,its the mothers fault she did not have me in her life not mine,i didnt run away she did.as i have listen to what you guys have to say,i have to do what i feel is right as i am the one who will have to live with it.i also think if i wait what is to make the child lisstion to you when she is 18,there is no reacord she will think you are some crazy person and her mom can just lie to her some moure so you take a chance of louseing her forever at that point.its pretty much a now or never thing.mabee she can drag it out i dont know but i do have serval letters froum people saying she is mine and pictures with her me and the child in it with my exs own wrighting saying she is mine.so i dont know how she can get out of that.this is why i want to see what a few lawers say to see what she can do and how long this can take.my ex and her husband broke the law plain and simple.if you dont stand up for your kids who will you stand up for

GranCuda1970 · « **Reply #34 on:** February 13, 2011 - 11:53:09 AM »

It's your flesh and blood
Don't give up get the DNA done and begin a relationship with your Kid! Plus at least your kid will be able to escape the woman she sounds like a MADE IN HELL woman!!

the_engineers · « **Reply #35 on:** February 13, 2011 - 10:41:30 PM »

How about a happy medium between everything you've gotten so far:

1. Confer with the extra lawyers. If they give you positive feedback...you can get a court order for the DNA test, you won't be on the hook for 15 years of child support, etc.

then...

2. Talk to a guidance counselor or child psychologist about taking the next steps. Do you sit down with the kid before having the test, do you stay in the background and let the process work, etc.

then...

3. Follow the answers in Step 2 and give them to the people in Step 1. Put the Psychologist in the same room as the lawyers (if you can afford it...$600/hr) and come up with a complete gameplan. Give them a clear idea of what you want. Have them develop a plan to follow at each step of the way.

4. Find out if there is a statute of limitations on the type of fraud that your ex committed. If there is criminal or civil liability that can be acted on, keep this in your back pocket and use in only if:
a) the daughter already knows what kind of a**hole her mom is and you form an immediate and strong bond, or
b) the ex fights you every single step of the way and you have no alternative but to get ugly.

5. I agree that you need to be above all of the dirt that WILL be flung. If you have contact with your daughter, you need to be very clear that any backlash from your attempt to connect is simply the result of mistakes that BOTH you and your ex made when you were young and naive. If it gets ugly your daughter WILL BLAME YOU FOR UPSETTING THE APPLE CART, at least initially.

6. Keep in mind, you can always back off if it gets too intense, but get your name and contact info in front of her somehow. People are naturally curious. It may take some time, but once she knows of you, she's going to want to hear your side of it...especially if you're within 12 miles of one another.

hpe600rt · « **Reply #36 on:** February 14, 2011 - 07:07:51 AM »

i think you are right on the nail of it.i have been thinking of what i will say to her when i do get to talk to her.i wount say anything bad about the mother unless she asked me what happend then i wount lie to her eather but will only say it once so she doesnt feel as im saying bad things about the mother and leave it at that forever.and try to build a relationship with her.i wish i could change the past but like i said i was a dumb kid.now im a good man and i just want what is best for my child and she needs to know who she realy is and i would like her to be part of my life and the rest of the famlieys as i have never forgtton her

wiiildcat · « **Reply #37 on:** February 15, 2011 - 08:57:14 AM »

I lean toward the challenger6pak reply, I keep hearing you say cant live with "yourself" if you do not do something. I would hope the courts would assign someone to talk to your daughter before any emotional distress is caused to her. What her mother did is wrong, but to turn your daughters world upside down because "YOU" need it to live with yourself really isn't much different. I commend you for wanting to be a part of her life, and you should be. But maybe a 3rd party should be consulted to meet with your daughter see how she's doing, how emotionally happy or sad she is then proceed with as slowly and with care that is best for her. This way she can feel like she has some input in how and when she makes contact. Worst thing you can do is make her hate you AND her mother with no where to turn. Hope the best for all involved, don't give up just make sure all is done for your daughters welfare. Goodluck and I hope you and her can become acquainted and both grow from the experience.

whitesatinmopar · « **Reply #38 on:** February 16, 2011 - 08:10:40 AM »

Totally............

An intellegent pro active way to go about this. Good luck and certainly hope it all works out.

hpe600rt · « **Reply #39 on:** February 17, 2011 - 07:11:44 AM »

ok went to the lawyers yesterday and she said to preceed and to take it slow with the child as we can meet an houre at a time and build it up as to let her get to know me.and she also said that the mother basckily stoll her.and that we can fix the birth recard now.and she can not come after me for back child suport so that is good.she said it would take about 6 mounths for all of this to happen.

Aussie Challenger · « **Reply #40 on:** February 17, 2011 - 07:20:14 AM »

Just read all responses, a lot of good advise, it really is a "no one will win situation" not that it is about winners and losers. When your daughters mother becomes aware of you she may just up and move again, she does have that track record. Get the second opinion and have a talk to a counsellor, don't approach your daughter, she sounds from your description to be messed up already. Be guided by what you are advised from the professional people, it may be tempting to get a picture of her but that could backfire. This will be a costly draining exercise in both emotions and money, good luck.

Author Topic: i found my child after 15 years (Read 4628 times)

burnt orange

Re: i found my child after 15 years

hpe600rt

Re: i found my child after 15 years

Challenger6pak

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hpe600rt

Re: i found my child after 15 years

GranCuda1970

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the_engineers

Re: i found my child after 15 years

hpe600rt

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wiiildcat

Re: i found my child after 15 years

whitesatinmopar

Re: i found my child after 15 years

hpe600rt

Re: i found my child after 15 years

Aussie Challenger

Re: i found my child after 15 years