This has got to be one of the funniest reads in a long time. Enjoy! I did. It may be long but it is worth the time.
Ed
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:Last weekend I
saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The
occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it home.I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. AWESOME!!!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-A batteries, right?There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target.I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?So, there I
sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in
another.The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A Batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"What happened next is
almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it
dip****," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just
for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative? SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was
too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P.
S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! "If you
think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
I bet you have tears in your eyes now.
Ed
