Age By Wal-Mart:
You are in the middle of some kind of project around
the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting
the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty,
covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes
on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch,
old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old
pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great
home improvement project you realize you need to run to
Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow
dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean
clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab
of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just
might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout
lane.. You went to school with the pretty girl running the
register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt..
Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for
much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check
yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running
the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school
with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long
enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put
on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle
of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to
waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the
mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young
thing running the register is your daughter's age and
you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt
off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you
don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check
yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt
anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running
the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think
you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on
is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got
Worms .'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was
shattered when you were in your
50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing
hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the
register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on
so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until
they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even
notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the
register smiles at you because you remind her of her
grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop
again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go
to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is
you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called
out your name. You went to school with the old lady who
greeted you at the front door.
