The LARK Program
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment
of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a copy of a
letter they received back:
The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. ,20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the
Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,
Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that,
thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division
of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with
the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist
under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation,
under heavily armed guard, to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed
Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant
to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your
letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help
him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you
plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is
extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life
with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest
that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He
is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a
particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code
that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will
come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind
them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious
beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you,
who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You
take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!
Cordially...Your Buddy,
Donald Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
