To: Pho' Kee Nim Port
Editor
Rice, Rice Baby Magazine
Earlier today, while waiting in the dentist's office, I had a choice between your magazine, and Highlights for Children. After finding the toaster in the tree, and the reading latest escapades of Goofus and Galant, I decided to give your publication a try. I enjoyed the article 'Wrenches: what to do if you see one' and 'Honda: Acura's retarded little brother'. As a tru Muscle Car driver, I would like to contribute to your magazine, these tips to your readers:
- Wearing your ball cap backwards doesn't make you 'aerodynamic'
- A large, heavy 3-tier wing bolted to the trunk of your FWD car provides down-force to the back of the car, lifting the front end...y'know..the part that makes the car go. (and it looks silly)
- You can't put on window tinting yourself..stop trying!
- NoS stickers on your fenders do not make the car go any faster
- Neither does Asian graphics or characters
- or 'Type R' badges
- Neon is a gas..but it doesn't make your car any faster
- Underwear is meant to be worn INSIDE the pants
- you're 18 years old, you work in a 7-11, and you don't know sh** about sh**
- Fast and the Furious isn't real. It was filmed on closed roads by trained stunt drivers, and most of the scenes were blue-screen computer imaging..you're NOT a seasoned street racer cuz your momma lent you her Accord. Slow down, numb-nuts!! You wanna kill yourself, there are ways to do it without taking out little Sally in the mini-van doin' it!
- Stereo components exist beyong Subwoofers.
- Vanilla Ice stole from Queen
MC Hammer stole from Rick James
Eminem stole from Aerosmith
Destiny's Child stole from Fleetwood Mack
Shawn Desmond stole from Yaz
It's not "sampling", it's stealing. You're not talented enough to make your own song, so you write BS rap lyrics to somebody else's music. Taking Air Supply, and playing a 33RPM album at 45RPM doesn't make you an accomplished DJ-Rippoffalot, it means you are a no-talent hack who has to steal from others. Who the F**K let some Ganja smoker rap to Sabbath's Paranoid???
- I'm old, I'm cranky, my 440 big block burns dead dinosaurs at 0 city, 0 hwy mileage, I'm wiser, I'm more experienced, and I don't wear dark sunglasses in the rain, or when driving at night. I was driving Dodge while you were driving Tonka, and my dad can beat up your dad!
I'm sure that others might contribute also, but I wanted to write my thoughts to you. Perhaps your magazine might run an article on the raging homosexuality of the Del-Sol?
Regards,
Challenger72rt
