Darren,
There is nothing wrong with seeking help. It does not make you less of a man.
How do I know this? I too suffered a loss (not as devastating as you and your wife’s) which caused me to spiral the same direction in which you are heading. I could not shake it, and the depression got worse and worse, it got to the point where I could not image one more day of life. If it wasn’t for my mother still being alive at the time, and seeing what the loss of one son did to her, I would not be here today to write this.
I was a man, and we are not supposed to have feelings or show our emotions. We, as men, are not allowed to let these things get to us or to show the indignity of needing someone to help us, hell we won’t even ask for directions or go to the doctor unless we absolutely have to. The phrase “Be A Man” is pounded into us from an early age. “Don’t Cry” and “Suck it Up” are also used, anything that makes us feel like we are not Men if we cannot do it on our own.
Since I couldn’t put my mother through the loss of another son, I had to come to grips with seeking help to move forward. And believe me seeking help was the LAST thing I “as a man” wanted to admit to or do.
However, speaking with a counselor turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. Working through you grief, loss, anger (yes, anger. Anger that you are still here but your loved one is not, Anger at God for letting this happen, anger that you couldn’t do more to protect you loved one) and emotions, with someone who is trained to work people through these situations.
Eleven years later, does it still hurt? Hell yes it does! Do I still miss him and thank about him every moment? Yes I do. However, I have also learned, through the counselor help, that it is just part of the process, and that it is ok to have these feeling and emotions, and use the tools that they teach you to make since of it all.
I miss Owen very much, even though I never met him. Your stories about him and you sharing him with us made me think of my loved ones and what the mean to each of us.
Be strong my friend, and seek whatever help you need. We will stand behind you the whole way.
